Exclusive: Holden staff Chistmas lullaby 2019 | Auto Expert John Cadogan

Holden posts chart-topping bullshit Christmas staff lullaby - personal opinion - details next

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Holden’s temporary (or space-saver) CEO, Christina Aguilera, has issued a calming and highly confidential pre-Christmas Eulogy to members of the (barf bag ready) quote: “Holden Family”.

“As we enter the festive season, it’s incredible to think of the year we’ve just had.”

For verification on this, I contacted a well known, respected member of the Holden Family: William Holden. Oscar-winning Hollywood legend. Star of Stalag 17, Bridge on the River Kwai, and The Wild Bunch. Mr Holden died, of course, in 1981.

So I interviewed him, in the usual way, via Ouija board, earlier. He told me:

“Yes. It has been an incredible year for Holden. As someone who has actually experienced death, it’s fair to say what you family members are going through at Holden is a fate worse than that.”

OK. Verified. So far so good.

“We know who we are. Holden is now a 100 per cent SUV and pick-up brand.”

Your inconveniently French-owned German-made cars were a disaster that nobody wanted. Like there was a choice in this transition to SUVs and utes. I would argue, you were commercially frog-marched (pun intended) to this inventory, thus this statement sounds to me more like bullshit identity rhetoric applied to a failing brand.

Of course, just five months ago, the late [LOOK LEFT] Big Butts - late in terms of his tenure at the Holden helm, just for disambiguation - I’m confident he’s not having afternoon tea with William Holden - said:

“With our long history in motor-racing, performance vehicles are an indelible part of the Holden brand.”

Obviously, coming out is a big deal, and you’re not ready when you’re not ready, but riddle me this, space-saver: In respect of Big Butts’ comments from July, obviously ‘performance’ is disposable because you’re now going to embark down this SUV / ute exclusivity track.

You’ll generate all the bullshit marketing collateral and brand identity that orbits these ‘singular focus’ ute/SUV statements … and then release the hugely over-priced Corvette…

...if your guys in Retardistan can make friends with the United Auto Workers for long enough actually to build a few at Bowling Green. #Doubtful.

So, which segment is the Corvette going to (quote) “play” in? The utes or the SUVs? When it lobs, maybe, in 2021. If Holden still exists at that time. Corvette is thus consigned to its place as a high-priced Holden square peg in a round hole. An anomaly. Ford’s bound to do a ‘three Mustang for the price of one Corvette’ sale...

“People ask [about Holden] because we’re a company people care about.”

Yes - quite. People talk about the Titanic all the time - even today - for exactly the same reason. Nobody discusses the sinkable ships which made it home. Or even the sinkable ships, which sunk. But when hubris and disaster are coincident - that’s an evergreen conversation, right there.

I’m sure the passengers on the Titanic were comforted by numerous assurances.

“Holden has competitive products in the key segments that matter.”

That hypothesis is easy to test: Colorado is actually not bad. It’s fourth in 4X4 pickups - behind Ranger, Hilux and Triton. It’s Holden’s best seller in the new lineup, too, by miles. But those three competitors are so far in front. Colorado’s not planning an overtaking move any time soon.

And there are four residual Holden SUVs - Acadia, Equinox, Trailblazer and Trax. In SUVs overall, Holden is behind Toyota, Mitsubishi, Mazda, Hyundai, Nissan, Subaru, Honda and Kia. They’re only just in front of BMW - and the price proposition there is a completely different kettle of fish. Premium versus mainstream.

So that’s … ahhh … ninth spot in SUVs, for Holden. If that’s competitive … OK. Pretty easy to argue it’s not, I’d suggest.

“Our market relevance has arguably never been stronger.”

Well that’s - arguably - also easy to test. In 1999, on the cusp of the new millennium, Holden owned 19 per cent of the ‘Strayan new car market. Call it one in five sales.

A decade later, ushering out the Noughties, that had slipped to 13 per cent. Call it one in eight. So what’s that, arguably? A 30 per cent decline in relevance right there.

And we’re not done yet. A decade later - like, right now - Holden’s market share (year to date for November) is just 4.1 per cent. One car in 25, and they’re about to bone the Commodore and the Astra, so: Further relevance reductions to come in 2020 and beyond.

That’s a - ballpark - 80 per cent decline in relevance in just two decades.