New car recession 2020 (time to celebrate) | Auto Expert John Cadogan

The new car market here in Shitsville just ate a big bag of dicks - for the 20th month in a row. Therefore, 2020 is the perfect time to bend a car salesman over. Full ankle-grabbing details next.

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November new car sales figures came out this week. Leading industry bullshitters started using the ‘R’-word. (Recession.) They hate that.

Holden did it again - posted another new, all-time record low sales result. So consistent. Sales down - but ‘only’ by 48 per cent. Just 2668 Holdens were sold in November - the lowest monthly sales in 71 years.

The only thing falling faster than Holden sales is the value of a Holden dealer’s franchise. Or perhaps the resale value of a current model Commodore.

Especially now, as the General Motors Death Star chose this week to execute the Buick Regal, which, like our shitbox Commodore, is just a hastily rebadged Opel Insignia. Holden had a stroke when they found out about the big Buick boning, which occurred at - let’s be kind - at an inconvenient time.

"Buick’s changes to their model line-up aren’t directly relevant to Holden. We are in the process of introducing the (model year 2020) and we are still selling Commodores. If anything changes in regard to Commodore we will tell you."

I dunno about you but I’m not hearing deep Commodore commitment in any of that. Over at CarAdvice/Drive/Channel Nine (whatever; it’s so confusing) the industry’s second-most annoying thorn in Holden’s side, Josh Dowling, claims a highly placed Holden insider has revealed that the real plan is to slip the needle into the Commodore late next year.

Toyota Hilux was the top-seller in Shitsville in November. The Big T sold 3687 Hiluxes last month. Hilux sales were therefore roughly 1000 units higher or almost 40 per cent greater than those of the entire Holden range.

The Ford Ranger (number two seller) also outsold the entire Holden range (3491 Ranger sales) as did the Mitsubishi Triton (number three) on 3123 sales. Three utes on the November podium - but not the Colorado. It’s not even in the top 10.

The top 10 vehicles (in order) for November: Hilux, Ranger, Triton, i30, RAV4, Corolla, Camry, shitbox X-TRAIL (some people have no taste), Mazda CX-5 and Toyota Landcruiser. Numbers one to 10.

Let’s break that down. Three big, beefy utes, four SUVs, and just three cars. For all the greenwashing the car industry engages in, and which dumb green nutjobs lap up from the likes of Electric Jesus, there just doesn’t seem to be much of a paradigm shift in the kinds of vehicles we actually buy.

The least environmentally friendly vehicles are the most popular. They’re called facts, and you do not have to like them.

Mazda was also kicked quite heavily, in the slats - down 31 per cent. (Doubtless this is ambient automotive recession plus the considerable impact of being dragged to the ankle-grabbing room by the ACCC for alleged aggravated consumer arseholery.)

Those chumps at Nissan - also 20 per cent down. (They can’t even win at being shit. But they are on the podium.) Mainly because of collective organisational retardation. Nissan fundamentally couldn’t get itself laid in a house of ill repute … not even by hurling a fistfull of hundred-dollar bills and a brick of high-grade crank at any of the in-house personal assistants...

Every top-10 carmaker was down in November - except friggin’ Kia. (Kia was actually up more than 10 per cent - bastards.) Perhaps they just didn’t get the memo, but I think you’ll find there’s always one misfit in any group.

However, do not let this somewhat happy contrarian Kia performance deter you from the prospect of bending over your local Kia dealer. Here’s why: Most dealers are multi-franchised, and with the aggregated profits across the various brands in a dealer group swirling around the porcelain like last night’s vindaloo, there’s huge motivation to move any stock in basically all mainstream brands.

So: When you go to a dealer, do not ask how much for your car o’ choice. Asking implicitly tells the dealer that you’re prepared to let them be in charge. (You don’t want that.) Instead, tell them how much you’re prepared to pay for that particular vehicle.

Knock 15 per cent off the recommended drive-away price. Don’t split the friggin’ difference. Be a complete hard-arse. It’s so therapeutic. Walk out if they don’t go for it - and you’ll likely find yourself in a front-row seat at the greatest bullshit show on earth.

It’s your cash; I’d suggest you might as well be in charge.